One of Miki’s D.I.D coping mechanisms revolves around Anchors. Whenever she feels that she is starting to dissociate, or that she is going to switch out to another alter – and she doesn’t want to – she has a number of people, processes, or objects to either contact, or focus on which are meant to stabilise her. It’s an intervention technique and it usually works quite well.
Her main Anchor is me. In the event that she becomes emotionally distressed to the point where she feels she may dissociate or transition to another alter, she calls me. I can usually calm her down, keep her centred on the present moment and avert any serious episodes. On many occassions this has worked very well, and just her hearing my voice, and me responding in a calm, soothing, unemotional manner will stabilise her enough for her to continue functioning.
Unfortunately, two things have been happening recently: she’s been calling when I’ve been unavailable to take her calls, usually in important meetings, or while I’m driving; and when I have taken her calls I haven’t been as emotionally supportive as she’d like, or as she was expecting. When that happens she usually reverts to contacting Simona.
In her last therapy session with Simona it was decided that she would no longer use me as her primary Anchor. Apparently, it is too much for her to expect me to be available all the time, and it’s becoming too emotionally draining on me to keep going through these episodes with her.
Blah, blah, blah. However, they justified it to themselves, they effectively said that I’m not reliable enough for use as her primary Anchor. It’s true. I’ve given up practically every aspect of a personal life and all I focus on nowadays is working and Miki’s therapy. But, it’s not enough. I’m failing at providing her the support she needs, when she needs it. Despite my every attempt to be there for her, I am still failing. At that moment, I felt that it was just hopeless to try.